So I intended for this to happen a long time ago, but I like to think deeply when I write and my life lately just hasn't given time for this. Not to mention I hate feeling like my posts are a little random, but I'm a little random so I guess it fits.
I want this blog to be about my journey and right now my journey is making it through the football. It's taking up most of my time and energy and at the beginning of the semester I started looking up verses related to strength and grace. I read several before finding the one that got to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am daily in an environment where I feel judged, beat down, pushed to be someone I'm not. I'm told not to be friends with the athletes. Me being me already has a hard time not caring what others think of me and I'm told daily not to take anything personally. I don't feel like I fit in with the other student trainers, they party I don't, they do things that I would never dream of doing. (I'm not judging here, just stating a fact)
Basically I was miserable for the better part of the last 10 weeks. I had a long talk with the graduate assistant one day who is a Christian and decided that I needed to control the minute things in my life that I could. So I began only listening to K-Love on the way to the training room, I read my bible instead of Facebooking at night. But this still wasn't making a difference, yes I was thinking about more positive and productive things while at practice but there was something missing.
One day I was called into the assistant trainer's office. I have a tendency to freak out over stuff like that so naturally the freaking out began immediately. They sat me down and began to ask questions. This requires a bit of prefacing before I can continue.......We as student trainers are required to go get food from the cafeteria for the head trainer, assistant trainer and graduate assistant but do not get food ourselves. The day prior this had been my job and as I went through the line I asked for 4 boxes, 1 for each of them and 1 for myself. I was starving and I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal, after all there are at least 10 people on the list that do not eat at all. When they called me into the office they asked if I had gotten myself food when I got them food, I answered yes and then the freakout took over, instead of just saying yes I claimed that someone had told me it was ok. That was not the brightest idea but luckily nothing really came of it. We discussed the issue for a minute or two, I was told it WOULD affect my travel chances and I had a lot of catching up to do. I immediately wanted to know what I could do to redeem myself. Their reply was "work harder, because right now it doesn't seem like you work very hard." Awesome so the 60-90 hours a week I've been putting, going home exhausted with sore muscles and joints, running and hustling more than I ever have aren't good enough for you, awesome. This really irritated me, I knew there were trainers drinking with athletes and doing things much worse than what I had done. I stewed over it for a few days before I realized that it didn't really matter how much it bothered me because it didn't bother them, to be honest they could care less. I decided right then and there that I no longer cared about what they thought of me. God is the one who matters and he is the one who ultimately will guide my path. I knew that "for Christ's sake, I (needed to) delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I knew that the minute I became humble and "weak" was the minute things would no longer bother me and the minute no one but God could tell me that I was/wasn't good enough. People would notice how things rolled off of my back and people would notice that my work ethic was different, motivated by something else, something bigger. This was several weeks ago but only a few days ago did I realized what an impact it had had on me.
I cannot remember the last time I genuinely didn't want to go to practice. I cannot remember the last time practice was just awful. I cannot remember the last time there wasn't something at practice or before practice that made me smile. I have learned to appreciate the small things, like a player coming up with his own nickname for me because something he saw reminded him of me, or a player approaching me from behind to give me a hug and a pat on the the shoulder, or a player making funny faces at me while he got a shot, or a player telling someone to be nice to "his watergirl." Coach Synder himself patting me on the cheek and saying, "Young lady, you are doing a great job."
Honestly, with all of that why should I care what someone else thinks of me. I am surrounded by love. Yes these things might seem insignificant but they make my day. I am not here to care what others think of me, I am not here to earn a recommendation letter, I am here to learn, I am here to make friends with the guys even if I'm not supposed to, I am here to utilize the mission opportunity, I am here for the Glory of God. I am here to spread love, I am here to be the one who's there when no one else is, to give unconditionally and unselfishly. I am here to show 150 young men that there is a love out there that doesn't give up on you, a love that is never ending, a love that NEVER fails. I am here to show these guys that criticism and rejection can be taken gracefully and in stride and frankly, it really confuses people.
I have learned more and become more focused simply by becoming weak so I can become strong, by listening to the One who knows my heart.
By the way, the name of the blog is a song reference. Let me know if you figure it out.
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