I have friends who blog, I mean really blog. Once a week at least, some even once a day. One of them recently got me thinking, after I made a comment about being bff with the blogging gods, he said Molly you blog like twice a year, how could you be friends with the blogging gods.
He's right, since I started this blog I've written two posts. Nearly a year apart. I've always offered up excuses for why I don't blog more often. I'm busy, I don't know what to say, my blog won't be as good as so and so's, no one will read it. But after Kavan's honest statement, I got to thinking. What's really behind my lack of willingness to blog? I hate journaling so when I do blog its intensely theraputic for me. I have all of these thought swirling around in my mind, my brain is constantly thinking, processing, reasoning. So what reason do I have to not do it? The reasons above, garbage. The honest truth.
I'm afraid of what people will think.
Much of what is swirling around inside is laced with anger in its various forms. If it isn't rooted in anger its rooted in embarrassment. What would people think if they knew what was going on inside of me? Would they wonder how I could call myself a Christian? Would they still want to be my friends? Would they feel like they didn't really know who I was?
James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
I struggled with the idea that the anger I carry is a sin. I rarely let it out and allow it cause damage to others. So is it really a sin? Confession is an often misunderstood action. It carries with it a fear of judgment, but the root word's definition is as follows; to admit or acknowledge something damaging or inconvenient to oneself. Anger = Damaging. Anger = Inconvenient. So does anger = a need for confession?
The realities of confession are that it can be and is intended to be renewing, freeing and edifying. Proverbs 6: 1-8 says "My son if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have struck hands in pledge for another, if you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler."
Right now, at this moment, I am trapped by what I've said, trapped by what I've felt, ensnared by anger in all its forms. Trapped by a fear of judgment. But in order to be what God intends of me I cannot be so. I have to free myself. So, I am committing to blogging more than twice a year. Meeting my quota, in order to free myself.
Be prepared, I am not as I seem, but I have faith you will love me anyway.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, November 12, 2010
A Better "Normal"
My name is Molly and I'm currently in counseling.
Yes, it sounds like I'm a member of AA but I tried 25 different ways of saying it that seemed wordy, or dishonest or just plan weird. So I just said it. Straight.
Since my parent's divorce 10 years ago I have been in counseling on and off, I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I doubt I would've survived without it. However, since my high school graduation I haven't seen one. I thought I was done with it, over it.
Until I began to self destruct last spring. I can't say for sure what caused it, only that God intended it to happen when it did. I began to see a counselor again, twice weekly. She is vastly different from any other counselor I've had. She tells what you need to hear not what you want to hear. She asks things off you, hard and painful things. After seeing me once, she had me pegged. The idea that I wasn't angry was far from the truth, in reality I had buried it so deeply that it grew roots and was burrowing its way into other parts of my life. It was planting seeds.
At the very heart of it all, the core of the tree, the anger was cultivated by resentment toward my father. After my parents divorce, my parents changed, which is to be expected but ideally without consequence. Mine came with consequence. I gained somewhere around 50 pounds in the immediate years following the divorce, my father used this as a root of his own.
I began to hear things like, "Molly I'll buy you new golf clubs if you'll lose some weight, if you'd lose some weight you wouldn't get so many sinus infections." The examples are endless, the instances countless. But that's irrelevant. Yes, my father caused me pain, so did my stepmother and my mother. But what I did with it was what mattered. My past, my pain became my out, my excuse for anything and everything. After all, it WAS what made me who I am, it WAS what defined me.
Pretty soon, my anger wasn't related to my father or the divorce at all. It was related to whoever or whatever wronged me that week, day or hour. I had turned into my brother, blaming anything and everything on anyone but myself. Yet, honestly, I had no one to blame but myself. I had created it, made it what it was and it was affecting every part of my life. I got used to getting yelled at by my father and I got used to transferring this into expectations toward others. I got angry when people didn't do what I expected of them just like my father would with me. Who am I kidding this still happens. I say all of this to say that this became "normal" to me, I accepted it that way.
It was "my normal." But that doesn't mean it was ok or acceptable because frankly it wasn't. It didn't reflect my commitment to Christ and it didn't reflect the standards I'd set for myself.
This is what I've been tackling twice a week at 2:00 pm.
Turning my normal, into a better normal. A normal that allows my father to be my father, but doesn't allow his anger to turn into my anger and our dysfunction to cause greater dysfunction but that allows me to look at him as the loving, caring father that he is and allows me to be the loving, caring person that I am.
Yes, it sounds like I'm a member of AA but I tried 25 different ways of saying it that seemed wordy, or dishonest or just plan weird. So I just said it. Straight.
Since my parent's divorce 10 years ago I have been in counseling on and off, I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I doubt I would've survived without it. However, since my high school graduation I haven't seen one. I thought I was done with it, over it.
Until I began to self destruct last spring. I can't say for sure what caused it, only that God intended it to happen when it did. I began to see a counselor again, twice weekly. She is vastly different from any other counselor I've had. She tells what you need to hear not what you want to hear. She asks things off you, hard and painful things. After seeing me once, she had me pegged. The idea that I wasn't angry was far from the truth, in reality I had buried it so deeply that it grew roots and was burrowing its way into other parts of my life. It was planting seeds.
At the very heart of it all, the core of the tree, the anger was cultivated by resentment toward my father. After my parents divorce, my parents changed, which is to be expected but ideally without consequence. Mine came with consequence. I gained somewhere around 50 pounds in the immediate years following the divorce, my father used this as a root of his own.
I began to hear things like, "Molly I'll buy you new golf clubs if you'll lose some weight, if you'd lose some weight you wouldn't get so many sinus infections." The examples are endless, the instances countless. But that's irrelevant. Yes, my father caused me pain, so did my stepmother and my mother. But what I did with it was what mattered. My past, my pain became my out, my excuse for anything and everything. After all, it WAS what made me who I am, it WAS what defined me.
Pretty soon, my anger wasn't related to my father or the divorce at all. It was related to whoever or whatever wronged me that week, day or hour. I had turned into my brother, blaming anything and everything on anyone but myself. Yet, honestly, I had no one to blame but myself. I had created it, made it what it was and it was affecting every part of my life. I got used to getting yelled at by my father and I got used to transferring this into expectations toward others. I got angry when people didn't do what I expected of them just like my father would with me. Who am I kidding this still happens. I say all of this to say that this became "normal" to me, I accepted it that way.
It was "my normal." But that doesn't mean it was ok or acceptable because frankly it wasn't. It didn't reflect my commitment to Christ and it didn't reflect the standards I'd set for myself.
This is what I've been tackling twice a week at 2:00 pm.
Turning my normal, into a better normal. A normal that allows my father to be my father, but doesn't allow his anger to turn into my anger and our dysfunction to cause greater dysfunction but that allows me to look at him as the loving, caring father that he is and allows me to be the loving, caring person that I am.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Inaugural Post
So I intended for this to happen a long time ago, but I like to think deeply when I write and my life lately just hasn't given time for this. Not to mention I hate feeling like my posts are a little random, but I'm a little random so I guess it fits.
I want this blog to be about my journey and right now my journey is making it through the football. It's taking up most of my time and energy and at the beginning of the semester I started looking up verses related to strength and grace. I read several before finding the one that got to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am daily in an environment where I feel judged, beat down, pushed to be someone I'm not. I'm told not to be friends with the athletes. Me being me already has a hard time not caring what others think of me and I'm told daily not to take anything personally. I don't feel like I fit in with the other student trainers, they party I don't, they do things that I would never dream of doing. (I'm not judging here, just stating a fact)
Basically I was miserable for the better part of the last 10 weeks. I had a long talk with the graduate assistant one day who is a Christian and decided that I needed to control the minute things in my life that I could. So I began only listening to K-Love on the way to the training room, I read my bible instead of Facebooking at night. But this still wasn't making a difference, yes I was thinking about more positive and productive things while at practice but there was something missing.
One day I was called into the assistant trainer's office. I have a tendency to freak out over stuff like that so naturally the freaking out began immediately. They sat me down and began to ask questions. This requires a bit of prefacing before I can continue.......We as student trainers are required to go get food from the cafeteria for the head trainer, assistant trainer and graduate assistant but do not get food ourselves. The day prior this had been my job and as I went through the line I asked for 4 boxes, 1 for each of them and 1 for myself. I was starving and I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal, after all there are at least 10 people on the list that do not eat at all. When they called me into the office they asked if I had gotten myself food when I got them food, I answered yes and then the freakout took over, instead of just saying yes I claimed that someone had told me it was ok. That was not the brightest idea but luckily nothing really came of it. We discussed the issue for a minute or two, I was told it WOULD affect my travel chances and I had a lot of catching up to do. I immediately wanted to know what I could do to redeem myself. Their reply was "work harder, because right now it doesn't seem like you work very hard." Awesome so the 60-90 hours a week I've been putting, going home exhausted with sore muscles and joints, running and hustling more than I ever have aren't good enough for you, awesome. This really irritated me, I knew there were trainers drinking with athletes and doing things much worse than what I had done. I stewed over it for a few days before I realized that it didn't really matter how much it bothered me because it didn't bother them, to be honest they could care less. I decided right then and there that I no longer cared about what they thought of me. God is the one who matters and he is the one who ultimately will guide my path. I knew that "for Christ's sake, I (needed to) delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I knew that the minute I became humble and "weak" was the minute things would no longer bother me and the minute no one but God could tell me that I was/wasn't good enough. People would notice how things rolled off of my back and people would notice that my work ethic was different, motivated by something else, something bigger. This was several weeks ago but only a few days ago did I realized what an impact it had had on me.
I cannot remember the last time I genuinely didn't want to go to practice. I cannot remember the last time practice was just awful. I cannot remember the last time there wasn't something at practice or before practice that made me smile. I have learned to appreciate the small things, like a player coming up with his own nickname for me because something he saw reminded him of me, or a player approaching me from behind to give me a hug and a pat on the the shoulder, or a player making funny faces at me while he got a shot, or a player telling someone to be nice to "his watergirl." Coach Synder himself patting me on the cheek and saying, "Young lady, you are doing a great job."
Honestly, with all of that why should I care what someone else thinks of me. I am surrounded by love. Yes these things might seem insignificant but they make my day. I am not here to care what others think of me, I am not here to earn a recommendation letter, I am here to learn, I am here to make friends with the guys even if I'm not supposed to, I am here to utilize the mission opportunity, I am here for the Glory of God. I am here to spread love, I am here to be the one who's there when no one else is, to give unconditionally and unselfishly. I am here to show 150 young men that there is a love out there that doesn't give up on you, a love that is never ending, a love that NEVER fails. I am here to show these guys that criticism and rejection can be taken gracefully and in stride and frankly, it really confuses people.
I have learned more and become more focused simply by becoming weak so I can become strong, by listening to the One who knows my heart.
By the way, the name of the blog is a song reference. Let me know if you figure it out.
I want this blog to be about my journey and right now my journey is making it through the football. It's taking up most of my time and energy and at the beginning of the semester I started looking up verses related to strength and grace. I read several before finding the one that got to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am daily in an environment where I feel judged, beat down, pushed to be someone I'm not. I'm told not to be friends with the athletes. Me being me already has a hard time not caring what others think of me and I'm told daily not to take anything personally. I don't feel like I fit in with the other student trainers, they party I don't, they do things that I would never dream of doing. (I'm not judging here, just stating a fact)
Basically I was miserable for the better part of the last 10 weeks. I had a long talk with the graduate assistant one day who is a Christian and decided that I needed to control the minute things in my life that I could. So I began only listening to K-Love on the way to the training room, I read my bible instead of Facebooking at night. But this still wasn't making a difference, yes I was thinking about more positive and productive things while at practice but there was something missing.
One day I was called into the assistant trainer's office. I have a tendency to freak out over stuff like that so naturally the freaking out began immediately. They sat me down and began to ask questions. This requires a bit of prefacing before I can continue.......We as student trainers are required to go get food from the cafeteria for the head trainer, assistant trainer and graduate assistant but do not get food ourselves. The day prior this had been my job and as I went through the line I asked for 4 boxes, 1 for each of them and 1 for myself. I was starving and I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal, after all there are at least 10 people on the list that do not eat at all. When they called me into the office they asked if I had gotten myself food when I got them food, I answered yes and then the freakout took over, instead of just saying yes I claimed that someone had told me it was ok. That was not the brightest idea but luckily nothing really came of it. We discussed the issue for a minute or two, I was told it WOULD affect my travel chances and I had a lot of catching up to do. I immediately wanted to know what I could do to redeem myself. Their reply was "work harder, because right now it doesn't seem like you work very hard." Awesome so the 60-90 hours a week I've been putting, going home exhausted with sore muscles and joints, running and hustling more than I ever have aren't good enough for you, awesome. This really irritated me, I knew there were trainers drinking with athletes and doing things much worse than what I had done. I stewed over it for a few days before I realized that it didn't really matter how much it bothered me because it didn't bother them, to be honest they could care less. I decided right then and there that I no longer cared about what they thought of me. God is the one who matters and he is the one who ultimately will guide my path. I knew that "for Christ's sake, I (needed to) delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I knew that the minute I became humble and "weak" was the minute things would no longer bother me and the minute no one but God could tell me that I was/wasn't good enough. People would notice how things rolled off of my back and people would notice that my work ethic was different, motivated by something else, something bigger. This was several weeks ago but only a few days ago did I realized what an impact it had had on me.
I cannot remember the last time I genuinely didn't want to go to practice. I cannot remember the last time practice was just awful. I cannot remember the last time there wasn't something at practice or before practice that made me smile. I have learned to appreciate the small things, like a player coming up with his own nickname for me because something he saw reminded him of me, or a player approaching me from behind to give me a hug and a pat on the the shoulder, or a player making funny faces at me while he got a shot, or a player telling someone to be nice to "his watergirl." Coach Synder himself patting me on the cheek and saying, "Young lady, you are doing a great job."
Honestly, with all of that why should I care what someone else thinks of me. I am surrounded by love. Yes these things might seem insignificant but they make my day. I am not here to care what others think of me, I am not here to earn a recommendation letter, I am here to learn, I am here to make friends with the guys even if I'm not supposed to, I am here to utilize the mission opportunity, I am here for the Glory of God. I am here to spread love, I am here to be the one who's there when no one else is, to give unconditionally and unselfishly. I am here to show 150 young men that there is a love out there that doesn't give up on you, a love that is never ending, a love that NEVER fails. I am here to show these guys that criticism and rejection can be taken gracefully and in stride and frankly, it really confuses people.
I have learned more and become more focused simply by becoming weak so I can become strong, by listening to the One who knows my heart.
By the way, the name of the blog is a song reference. Let me know if you figure it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)